various rambling thoughts: Golden oldies? or a TV death?

A couple of days back, I came across another report of another old woman who died alone in her flat in Kalkaji, in south Delhi. She died and nobody got to know until her neighbours could smell that something was wrong. She lived alone, even though she had children. She was unable to cook for herself and depended on the food given to her by her neighbours. Her only companion at the end was her TV which was playing even as she lay dead for days.

This is an urban phenomenon that is becoming quite common now. Children live away from their old parents and check on them only once in a while. This setting becomes fatal when one of the parent dies, leaving the other completely alone. In many cases, they continue to live alone for various reasons – though hardly ever out of choice, I am sure. The result is the kind of tragedy that occurred in Kalkaji.

Wherever I discussed this problem, I got predictable reactions – which mainly varied from decrying our loss of ‘family values’, to children becoming selfish and heartlessly career-oriented and some people looked to the law for recourse.

I have an issue with these reactions, natural and true that they are. Let me explain.

Let me talk about the law first. Even though the courts have made it punishable for children to abandon their parents, it is apparent that parents would take this route only under extreme conditions, not otherwise. The woman who died in Kalkaji was not ‘legally’ abandoned. She has the resources to live her life (that is to say she had the material benefits, but obviously not the emotional ones). These are in any case the majority of the cases. The law would naturally be helpless in these cases.

About the other, predictable response. Every generation decries the loss of ‘family values’ in their next generation. It is a natural flow of society and at times it can be quite subjective. In many ways, we behave better than our previous generation – towards homosexuals for example. And we are more aware and aggressive about building our own future. And so on…

Today we live as independent nuclear families. Parents encourage their children to be independent and be absolutely focused on their careers. They cheer when their children get a green card or a million rupee job in a far off city. The loss of ‘values’ we cry about later is nothing but a by-product of our own ambitions.

Yes, we have become more mercenary and much more materialistic. And yes, this is harmful to society and to our relations with each other. But unless we radically change the direction our society is going, this phenomenon of growing distance between people is just going to continue. So why raise a hue and cry about the side-product when we are unwilling to change the way we aim to live our lives as a young nation?

Another thing we need to understand is that no matter of moralizing and appealing to good senses will matter to the children who abandon their parents. They do what they do because their conscience does not prick them in the first place. In any case no one sees themselves as villains. We humans have an infinite capacity for rationalizing any situation and belief.

So what is to be done?

This is what I believe in. Study the phenomenon and condemn the people who abandon their old parents by all means. But give an actionable solution to it as well. Moralizing has never helped anyone.

There are two solutions I believe that can work if some thought is given to them

I believe it is time that old age homes are rescued from being considered a place of humiliation to a place where people, who for whatever reasons cannot or don’t stay with their families, can live together, give each other company and enjoy their time together. Make a business model of old age homes and have people contribute some part of their money (when they still have money) in it to book themselves a place. Position it so that people understand that it is a resort, not a dingy unprofessional place where people will face more humiliation. The advantage is that medical care can be constant and immediate. And company always helps. And when your children refuse to look after you, that always helps doesn’t it?

Now the above solution is obviously for those who can pay. What about the ones who cannot? How many times have you seen an old beggar woman or man with a jhola on their shoulders with probably all their belongings in it, standing on a side street asking you for a few seconds of mercy? They cannot pay for the old age home that looks like a resort.

This is where I believe a public-private partnership can come in, so that they are provided dignity when they need it the most. I am sure that like me, many people, would like to contribute to the cause. What is required is the initiative and the capital that only a government body can give if this has to be done nationwide. The practice of relying on opportunistic unaccountable NGOs should be stopped and a central body should be created. Only then will this problem have the focus it deserves.

I know that the two solutions are radical in many ways. One is in the way the mindset has to be changed about ageing and what we should do about – not an easy thing to do especially since we always believe that our children will not be like ‘their’ children. The challenge is to project it as a kind of an insurance against ‘bad judgement’. The second is about the intent and effectiveness of the government in taking this forward especially since this is all expenditure and no revenue generation – a purely socialist initiative, a word that has been derided to no end (atleast until the capitalist bubble burst last year)…

But think of the alternative…anything is better than dying all alone, forgotten…

Isn’t it?